7/30/2014

This is the last week we're here.  I'm flying out on a red-eye on Saturday night-- should be back on Sunday afternoon.  I'm so stressed that I'm not even really having time to be sad.  Tomorrow we are presenting our class's final project to their parents. There's going to be a big assembly and all of the parents are supposed to be there. I'm worried because only about half of the students are finished with their projects as of today, and we've given them a lot of time to work on it. I feel responsible for them because I am their teacher and I will feel bad if it doesn't seem like they've learned a lot or if the students are not feeling good about the projects they are showing their parents.  I'm getting a lot of pressure from the director of the program and I've never taught anything and I've never even taken any classes on teaching and it's all a bit overwhelming right now.  

Anyways, my students are adorable, as always.  The city we're teaching in, Haina, is the third most polluted city in the world. Most of the people there have traces of lead poisoning, and it's not good.  A lot of the kids have family lives that are not that good.  For example, one my favorite girls told me that she has never met her Dad and she hasn't seen her mother for 5 years.  She lives with her grandparents with 5 of her siblings.  I just want to take them all home and hug them all of the time.  They're wonderful and smart and funny and very cute.


Here are some pictures of them.  I've got 24 students.

happy

I've just been very happy lately.  I love getting up in the morning, well rested and healthy, and going to teach my students.  I love working for something that I believe will have a positive impact on someone.  I like building up these kids' self-esteem and trying to bring out the creativity in them.  It's great. It's the middle of the Dominican summer and I don't have air conditioning.  I'm hot, sweaty, and kind of dirty, but I'm really happy.  

I woke up this morning at about 7:30 and went up to the rooftop of the apartment building to do yoga with some people who came on this trip with me.  We did sun salutations and a  bunch of fun poses.  It was really rejuvenating and refreshing.  We left for school around 11, and when we got there we started a game of basketball.  When the kids got out of class they came and joined us for a bit.  We had rice and beans for lunch, with pineapple and salad.  Our lesson was about circuits and we had the students build circuits using schematic drawings.  It was good and the students seemed to learn a lot and have some fun today.  

After school we all packed up and went to Torre del Sol, my old apartment building, to swim.  The Taylors sent down Savannah and Sarah to swim with us, and we all had a good time playing and swimming with them.  We definitely had more fun with them around than we would have had by ourselves. 

I'm tuckered out, and ready to go to sleep.  I've got yoga again tomorrow, and then lesson planning.   

7/1/2014

Today was a little stressful.  We started walking to Nacional the grocery store, then a lot of people from our group wanted to come with us.  We got almost there and I had been thinking it probably wasn't a good idea for about 7 white people to be walking home with groceries, so we just decided to walk back.  It was kind of stupid.

We started teaching today.  The school was kind of in disorder when we got there.  Some kids had showed up that morning that weren't supposed to, and the math teacher just hadn't shown up, so the classes were all mixed up.  We all had lunch really late, and then when we finally got to start our classes it was 3:10.  We were supposed to start at 1:30, so it was a little late.  School is supposed to end at 3:30, but Claudina, the woman in charge of the school, told us to go until 4:00.  The kids weren't too happy about that, but they were good and didn't complain too much.

It was a mess!  We weren't prepared for that, so we kind of had to do things on the fly.  Our experiments that we were trying to show the kids didn't work because of the humidity in the air and the lack of static electricity, so the kids seemed very unimpressed.  We're going to try out our experiments tonight to make sure they work before we let the kids do them.  It was kind of disappointing because we really want to do a good job.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better because we will be better prepared.

6/27/2014

We walked to the temple this morning.  It took a while because we got a little lost and had to get directions 3 times.  We finally got there and I felt so much better, seeing something that I recognize and think of as a safe place.  Where we are staying is nowhere near the living situation I was in.  The neighborhood is safe enough though, and we were fine walking to the temple.

We went to see Nancy Rappleye because I miss her and love her and also everyone was hot and thirsty.  She lives right next to the temple so it wasn't difficult at all.  We walked in her apartment and everyone got hugs and glasses of ice water.  She's wonderful.  I miss and I think I will always love the people I lived in the DR with because we became really close during that time.

When we got back we got lunch at a local comedor and then headed to Playa Juan Dolio.  We played in the water and found a sea urchin and had a generally good time.  Tomorrow we're headed to Playa Caribe in the morning and a meet and greet with the students and parents in the afternoon.  Should be good.

apartment

We're staying at a place called torrestudio, which has a bunch of studio type apartments and is owned by the bishop here.

Kitchen

the view from the hallway

from kitchen to the bedroom

bedroom

6/26/2014

Well, here I am, sitting in my apartment room in Santo Domingo.  It's been a ridiculously long day, but a good one.  I'm feeling a little nervous, but I'm happy with my traveling companions and I feel like we will make this a very fun and fulfilling trip.

Our flight left at 1 am.  I slept on the plane for about 2 hours, then was awake for the rest of the flight to Atlanta.  Then we had a 4 hour layover and then another 4 hour flight to Santo Domingo.  It was probably the quickest I have ever gotten here before. Usually it takes at least 18 hours to get to Santo Domingo.  Anyways, it was pretty uneventful flying.  

After we went through customs we went out to the runway on our way to get out of the airport.  Our ride wasn't there.  Our professor didn't have her phone number, so we just sat there helplessly, just hoping that she would show up so we wouldn't have to hire one of those taxi guys that wait at airports.  Thankfully, about half an hour later, she showed up with two vans and we all piled in.  

We went to the apartments, dropped our stuff off, and changed.  We all agreed that we would try to stay up to a reasonable hour tonight so we could try to get used to the time change, so we went down to the colonial zone.  There is this place that I had never been to that was the most beautiful street.  It was totally meant for tourists, but it was beautiful.  It was made for walking on, and had lovely street lamps running down the middle of it.  Merchants surround you on all sides, shouting at you to buy their wares.  

We ate at a restaurant in the old city (I had rice and beans, if you were wondering), and then went back to the apartments.  I have my apartment to myself, which is nice.  It was funny, though, how it happened. 

We are all sleeping on full size beds, and a few people are sharing them.  I was supposed to be sharing an apartment with another girl, but the lady who owns the apartment, the bishop's wife, was talking to our program director when they were making room arrangements.  She said to her, "She is too fat, she needs her own bed!"  I gave her a face and she quickly realized that I understood her Spanish.  She started laughing, and asked if I understood.  I nodded, and she defended herself.  It was quite funny.  Anyways, that's how I am here with my own little apartment to myself.  I'll post pictures tomorrow. 

DR trip

In exactly one month I will be back in Santo Domingo.  I'm going there with a group of BYU students to teach at a summer program for secondary school children.  This summer school is low cost for public school children who are recommended for the program by their teachers.  The program allows opportunities for learning that would not be available to most public school children and also allows them a chance to get into University.  This is a wonderful program for poorer children that wouldn't otherwise have these opportunities.

The woman who runs the program gets funds from sponsors and donations outside and inside the DR.  She is an LDS woman and needed some teachers so she called BYU to ask them to send some students to teach.  My friend heard about the program and referred me to it, and I arranged to go as a Spanish speaking translator/teacher.

I will be teaching technology and engineering to eighth and ninth grade kids for one month.  We're teaching about batteries, circuitry, magnets, and electronics, which is something that I don't know much about myself. It's been interesting looking up and trying to learn about these things for myself before meeting with my group to start planning the lessons.

I have no idea how to teach, and a lot of the other students don't either.  However, we're very enthusiastic about this opportunity for us and for our students.  This will be an amazing challenge for me and the other teachers, and I'm thrilled to be able to do this.

Let's Be Real

I have Depression. And anxiety, but mostly depression right now.

I feel like this has been such a huge part of my life, but I'm too scared to tell people.  Well not anymore.  Here it is:

I have had this sickness since I was about 14 years old.  It started out as mostly social anxiety.  I was terrified to do things that most people have no difficulty with, like calling people on the phone, talking to teachers, and going to parties.  When I moved to the DR it developed into a generalized anxiety, which means I felt anxiety and stress for no noticeable reason, just walking down the street or sitting at school.

It developed into more of a depression around my senior year of high school.  All of the friends that I was very close with had moved away, and I was unhappy with my social situation at school.  I was terribly lonely, and it didn't help that I couldn't properly communicate with most people who were around.  Still, it wasn't that bad.  I could still live my life relatively well and function as a normal person.

In October two years ago there was an announcement made in general conference that girls 19 years and older could go on missions for the church. I was ecstatic.  This was what I wanted more than anything in the world.  I prayed about it and I thought about it and decided that I would talk to my bishop about serving a mission for my church.  I decided that before I went on my mission it would be a good idea to seek some counseling for my anxiety and depression problems, so I went to my university's free counseling services.

I started seeing a therapist every week and we talked about all of the things that bothered me about my childhood.  It was very painful and difficult for me.  I didn't click well with my therapist and would often come back from these therapy sessions feeling emotionally drained and fragile.  I went to talk to my bishop about going on a mission, and was told that because I had anxiety and depression, I wouldn't be able to serve a mission.

This crushed me.  I was so sure that I was meant to go on a mission.  I cried for days and was very sad for weeks after that.  Honestly I felt a little bit suicidal.  I felt that I had no real reason for living and that my life wasn't worth it.

Eventually I decided to stop seeing my therapist.  It was making me exhausted and I didn't feel like it was helping at all.  The stabbing pain that came from not being able to serve a mission turned to an ache.  I was okay.

I kept getting worse and worse until last fall.  During October and November I had a really rough time.  I was having severe depression and I was suicidal.  I felt bored and lonely, and and I thought that I would never have any real happiness again.  I hadn't really felt anything for a long time and I felt kind of numb.  I didn't feel like life was worth it anymore.  I started planning how I would kill myself.  Most people have difficulty with death, but to me it seemed like a relief from what I was living through at the time.

In December there came a night where I was feeling particularly scared. It's an odd thing, being scared that you might harm yourself.  I called my mom and told her how I was feeling.  It was difficult to tell my mom because I didn't want to disappoint her and I didn't want to burden her with my thoughts.  It turned out to be very good for me.  She calmed me down and convinced me to see a therapist the next day.

I went to the University counseling center and was assigned to a therapist who was perfect for me.  I felt comfortable around him and told him all that I was feeling.  He seemed actually concerned with my welfare and tried to help me.  I clicked with this therapist. He smiled more and was more cheerful.  Much better than my other one.  I saw him for a few weeks, then during Christmas break I had an appointment with a doctor.

 I had been previously unwilling to try medicines but was then so desperate that I was glad to try anything that would help.  I believe that God might have allowed me to despair so much so that I would be wiling to try medicine.  I honestly do not remember the last time I was this content with my life.  What was a heavy burden has been lifted to a light weight and I am so, so grateful.

I'm in a good place now.  I have some magnificent friends that I believe were sent by God, I feel content with my job and schoolwork, and I am basically happy. I still have difficult days here and there, but it is easier to deal with them, knowing that the next will probably be better.  Never have I felt the influence of God more in my life than when I was despairing in my depression and finally getting some relief.  I'm so grateful.

tipos de bailadores de bachata

I find this video amusing.  A friend of mine posted it on facebook.  It's just a funny video that shows the different types of male bachata dancers.  Enjoy!

The three men I danced with

Tonight I went dancing at a local Latin club.  I brought some of my friends from church and was showing them how to dance Bachata and Merengue.

I learned how to dance in the DR when I was on vacation in Punta Cana.  I had always been fascinated by the way people danced at quinceaneras and at the parties I went to, so Mom arranged for a guy to come teach me how to dance.  It was so fun!  He taught me how to move my hips and show off for the people I'm dancing with.  I love dancing merengue and bachata, and I love feeling confident in my dancing.  Nobody expects a white girl to be able to dance like a Latina.

For some reason I get really bold and flirtatious when I go Latin Dancing.  As soon as we got there I started dancing and saw two guys who were just standing there.  Of course, being abnormally flirtatious I went and asked one of them to dance.  He didn't know how to dance, so I taught him the basics of bachata.  He was white and very tall and very awkward and shy, but it was fun teaching him how to dance.

The second guy I danced with asked me where I was from as soon as we started dancing.  When I go latin dancing I tell people I am from the Dominican Republic, so I told him.  He then told me that that's where his parents are from!  Interesting.

The third guy I danced with was a fantastic merenguero.  We didn't talk, we just spun around and around.  I love it when a man knows how to lead a dance. It's kind of magical being able to communicate without talking, just by following his lead.

Hiking

So I just got back from Squaw Peak in Provo canyon, which is a notorious make out spot, but also is a hiking trail.  Who knew?

Anyways it was about 3.5 miles up from the trail head, but we had to hike about 1.5 miles to the trail head, so it was more hiking than any of us anticipated.  Bummer.  Also it was hot.  Also none of us brought enough water, so we were all feeling kind of dehydrated, and I got a sunburn.

There was a cute little stream that we had to cross five times on the way to the trail head. Guys, I think I am in love.  Streams and creeks and rivers and lakes and any freshwater is my favorite. I think if I could have I would have just sat in that stream all day.

And then it was steep when we got to the trail.  Seriously we had to stop like every 3 minutes because we were so exhausted.  Anyways, now I'm back and I showered and washed my hair (confession: I haven't washed my hair since Monday.  It was pretty gross.) and want to just lay in bed.

I love hiking!  It makes me feel so happy.

What am I doing?

I have no idea.  I feel like I'm just living my life with no concrete plans or dreams, or even ambitions.  I don't really know what I want to do with my life, when I will graduate, or even what I will be doing next fall.  Where will I live? Where will I work?  Am I going to change my major again?

When I was younger, at the end of high school, I thought that by the time I was 21 I would probably have some things figured out, like whether or not I want to go on a mission.  I wanted to go on a mission, and when I went to talk to my bishop and stake president I was devastated to find out that because of some health issues I would be unable to serve a mission.  Now, I can probably put in my mission papers in a couple of months and try again to go on a mission, but I'm not so sure I want to.  The drive and desire to go is gone, and I'm just not feeling it.  I was so sure before, but now I just don't know.  It's weird.

So tell me: am I ever going to feel more sure about what I'm doing?  Is this a normal thing?  Any advice?

Also, I'm thinking of getting a second job.  I already work 40 hours a week, but because I'm going to go to the DR I'm not going to be working during July.  I'm thinking of getting another part time job, so I would be working around 60 hours a week.  What do you think?  Where should I apply?

Five Things

1. I'm finished with finals!  I just finished my last final for the semester, Econ, and I did well.  I'm feeling pretty good about myself....

2. I also did really well in my Spanish final last night--  I was in the testing room for only 10 minutes and I got a 98 percent.  I probably should have been in a higher class.

3. Yesterday we had a clothing swap at my apartment with my ward.  We all cleaned out our closets, brought the extra stuff to the clothing swap, and then took what we wanted.  I got rid of a lot of stuff I didn't need anymore, and I walked away with a sweet jean jacket and some nice water shoes!

4. I start working full time on Monday which means more money for me!

5. I'm probably going back to the DR this summer, at the end of June for an internship with my university.  There's a group of students going there to teach technology and they need a translator.  I'm so excited to go back, see some old friends, and have more adventures.