Let's Be Real

I have Depression. And anxiety, but mostly depression right now.

I feel like this has been such a huge part of my life, but I'm too scared to tell people.  Well not anymore.  Here it is:

I have had this sickness since I was about 14 years old.  It started out as mostly social anxiety.  I was terrified to do things that most people have no difficulty with, like calling people on the phone, talking to teachers, and going to parties.  When I moved to the DR it developed into a generalized anxiety, which means I felt anxiety and stress for no noticeable reason, just walking down the street or sitting at school.

It developed into more of a depression around my senior year of high school.  All of the friends that I was very close with had moved away, and I was unhappy with my social situation at school.  I was terribly lonely, and it didn't help that I couldn't properly communicate with most people who were around.  Still, it wasn't that bad.  I could still live my life relatively well and function as a normal person.

In October two years ago there was an announcement made in general conference that girls 19 years and older could go on missions for the church. I was ecstatic.  This was what I wanted more than anything in the world.  I prayed about it and I thought about it and decided that I would talk to my bishop about serving a mission for my church.  I decided that before I went on my mission it would be a good idea to seek some counseling for my anxiety and depression problems, so I went to my university's free counseling services.

I started seeing a therapist every week and we talked about all of the things that bothered me about my childhood.  It was very painful and difficult for me.  I didn't click well with my therapist and would often come back from these therapy sessions feeling emotionally drained and fragile.  I went to talk to my bishop about going on a mission, and was told that because I had anxiety and depression, I wouldn't be able to serve a mission.

This crushed me.  I was so sure that I was meant to go on a mission.  I cried for days and was very sad for weeks after that.  Honestly I felt a little bit suicidal.  I felt that I had no real reason for living and that my life wasn't worth it.

Eventually I decided to stop seeing my therapist.  It was making me exhausted and I didn't feel like it was helping at all.  The stabbing pain that came from not being able to serve a mission turned to an ache.  I was okay.

I kept getting worse and worse until last fall.  During October and November I had a really rough time.  I was having severe depression and I was suicidal.  I felt bored and lonely, and and I thought that I would never have any real happiness again.  I hadn't really felt anything for a long time and I felt kind of numb.  I didn't feel like life was worth it anymore.  I started planning how I would kill myself.  Most people have difficulty with death, but to me it seemed like a relief from what I was living through at the time.

In December there came a night where I was feeling particularly scared. It's an odd thing, being scared that you might harm yourself.  I called my mom and told her how I was feeling.  It was difficult to tell my mom because I didn't want to disappoint her and I didn't want to burden her with my thoughts.  It turned out to be very good for me.  She calmed me down and convinced me to see a therapist the next day.

I went to the University counseling center and was assigned to a therapist who was perfect for me.  I felt comfortable around him and told him all that I was feeling.  He seemed actually concerned with my welfare and tried to help me.  I clicked with this therapist. He smiled more and was more cheerful.  Much better than my other one.  I saw him for a few weeks, then during Christmas break I had an appointment with a doctor.

 I had been previously unwilling to try medicines but was then so desperate that I was glad to try anything that would help.  I believe that God might have allowed me to despair so much so that I would be wiling to try medicine.  I honestly do not remember the last time I was this content with my life.  What was a heavy burden has been lifted to a light weight and I am so, so grateful.

I'm in a good place now.  I have some magnificent friends that I believe were sent by God, I feel content with my job and schoolwork, and I am basically happy. I still have difficult days here and there, but it is easier to deal with them, knowing that the next will probably be better.  Never have I felt the influence of God more in my life than when I was despairing in my depression and finally getting some relief.  I'm so grateful.